Top 5 Punk Rock Songs to F**k To

Valentine’s Day Special: 5 banging punk rock tunes to bonk to on this most hallowed of commercial holidays.

Article by Sarah Williams. Disclaimer: SATIRE. Total satire.

Valentine’s Day. A time of roses, romance and rampant consumerism. It’s also time to make tender, passionate love to your sweetheart, or at least to bang whichever crusty reprobate you stumbled into at the grindcore show last night.

We here at Shout Louder believe that you can (and should) incorporate punk rock into every element of your life, so why not let it be the soundtrack to your sexy time? We have trawled through thousands of punk rock songs to bring you this carefully curated list of bedroom bangers.

We have tried to ensure there’s something here for everyone: from the light-hearted bonkers, to the hardcore heavy-weights, even covering couples who just can’t stop arguing. Don’t worry if Cupid hasn’t sought you with his arrow this year. I am sure these tunes will make an equally suitable soundtrack to your tearful, lonely masturbation, if you’re willing to pause the James Blunt.

In the interest of honesty, I have not personally road-tested (duvet-tested?) these tunes. I have had some memorable experiences to the likes of Pendulum, Papa Roach and Tenacious D over the years, but I’m not normally one to put on my mate’s DIY band while I’m tearing my clothes off. Please do give these a try and give us a blow-by-blow account of your experiences in the comments section.

The Offspring – Self Esteem

“Aaah, it’s time to relax, and you know what that means. A glass of wine, your favourite easy chair and, of course, this compact disc playing on your home stereo. So go on, indulge yourself…”

The Offspring’s aptly titled classic album Smash offers a plethora of punk songs for sending your partner into knee-trembling oblivion. Bad Habit and Killboy Powerhead would both provide a powerful and moving experience, or perhaps you’d rather invite them to Come Out And Play?

Your best bet is Self Esteem, which offers a bleak reminder that you’re being used, that you’re worthless and your partner is probably fucking all your friends. It’s okay because you like the abuse.

So, if you’ve spent Valentine’s Day staring at your phone, waiting for your someone to text you back, only for them to turn up on your doorstep late at night, drunk again and looking to score, this is the song for you. You don’t need to stick up for yourself. Embrace it. Stare deeply into your lover’s eyes, hovering just inches from their face and gently stroke their hair with the dangerous intensity of a would-be stalker. Remember, the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?

Almeida – Kinslayer

Have you ever wondered what it would like to be a drum kit in a hardcore band? Well, this is your opportunity. Keep pace with this track and you’ll get a blast beating straight through the headboard.

If you like your nights to be loud, fast and hard with some intensely technical finger-action, Almeida are the band for you. You’ll be howling like Tom West’s soaring choruses in no time. As evidenced in this video, they’ll even come hang out in your bedroom if you ask nicely enough. Continue reading “Top 5 Punk Rock Songs to F**k To”

Gig Review: Pie Race Festival – Sunday

Sunday is recovery fun day at Leeds’ annual pastry-punk showdown, featuring Queen Zee & The Sasstones, Incisions, Pizzatramp and more.

Review by Sarah Williams. Photos by Hold My Pint Photography. Videos nabbed from Razmoyork’s YouTube page.

Firstly, check out our review of Friday and Saturday’s Pie Race.

The Sunday mood at Pie Race is notably subdued. People slowly return to Wharf Chambers, begrudgingly accepting the need crack on with the drinking and pie consumption once again. The day starts with a bar full of bedraggled punks nursing mugs of coffee or gingerly pushing their way through their difficult first pint. That said, there is still a buzz of excitement for more noisy nonsense to come. Today’s bill has a distinct sense of fun – plenty of ska, no brutal hardcore – exactly what you need on a rough morning.

I am pleasantly surprised by Plot 32. They spent Saturday spreading the word about their band via the excessive distribution of badges, but playing themselves down by explaining they were so new to music that they’d only just learned to play their instruments. As such, I approached their set with very low expectations and was wowed to discover one of my favourite sets of the whole weekend. The room is full of warmth for this band; they play good, simple ska with a party vibe, perfect for the recovery that the crowd are in need of. They throw a little medley of Operation Ivy and the Vengaboys, plus a perky cover of Catch 22’s Keasbey Nights that’s deeply enjoyable. Just the injection of skanking fun you need after a wild Saturday night.

Whitby’s Panda Lasagne follow them with some standard-but-solid punk rock, apparently playing their first gig in Leeds for 11 years. They’ve got demonstrable hangovers much like the rest of us, but they’re still fun and fast. Tunes like Housewives’ Choice are fun, but it’s rock ‘n’ roll tunes like Witness that really get the room going.

The Crash Mats are exactly what my hangover needs right now. There is nothing remotely sad or downbeat about this brilliant little ska-punk band, it’s all funky bass lines and jumpy upstrokes (with a few bursts of fast hardcore thrown in for good measure). They start off strong with Terry Funk Forever and Party At Lou’s Place early on in the set. They know as well as we do that it’s time for some silly punk shenanigans, and they use all their I’ve-got-a-microphone powers to make it happen. Baz suggests that rather than a human pyramid we create a human sphinx: a concept that’s better in the imagination than it is in practice, although the eager crowd make a valiant attempt. We’re a lot more successful at creating a reverse wall of death – starting off in a mosh pit and ending the song in two neat rows. Soppy Love Song remains my favourite tune, but their closing track Get Me Off This Ride is a close second, describing an LSD-fuelled rollercoaster experience, completed by Baz’s demented laughter over a backing of jumpy ska-core.

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Next up are Snakerattlers, which is the moodier reimagining of The Franceens. They open with a song that is instrumental apart from a series of howled guttural noises, slightly bewildering the audience and warning them that they’re in for a wild ride. There’s a dusty Tijuana vibe to much of their death-punk stylings, conjuring a taste of hot sand and desolation. They perform with just a distorted electric guitar and drums stripped back to a snare, floor tom and a crash cymbal. It doesn’t sound like a lot written down, but it’s played with a captivating spit-in-your face attitude that’s impossible to ignore. Much like a rattlesnake, they’re slightly intimidating, although songs like Let You Go are catchy and danceable. Guitarist/singer Dan Gott falls backwards out into the crowd with his guitar for Rattlerock Rumble, bringing a more intimate element to the performance. It’s extremely cool, sultry, swagger-ful stuff.  Continue reading “Gig Review: Pie Race Festival – Sunday”

The Crash Mats: Pies, Panpipes and the Dizzy Heights of Rockstardom [Interview]

“We’re like a Tunnock’s tea-cake. We’re dead soft and squidgy on the top and round the middle, but we’re hardcore underneath.”

The Crash Mats are hands-down one of the most entertaining live acts I have ever seen. They’re a damn good band that blend elements of punk, ska and hardcore, but their real talent lies in 24-carat comedy.

They’ve recently put out their second album 69 Peruvian Panpipe Classics on Manchester DIY label Horn & Hoof. It’s a rollicking ride through 21 classic tunes, including: Don’t Tell Mum That The Babysitter’s Dead, I Don’t Want To Go To Grandma’s House Tonight and My Girlfriend Only Has 24 Hours To Live. It’s a genuine feel-good album, reflecting the gargantuan level of fun you are guaranteed at their live shows.

Interrogating three such distinguished gentlemen as these is a rare opportunity, so I jumped at the chance to interview Oldham’s finest shortly after their set at Wotsit Called Fest.

It turns out that Danny Barrett a.k.a. Evil Bazz (vocals + bass), Dan Royales a.k.a. Seniòr Royales (guitar) and Chris ‘da beat’ Webb (drums) are even more hilarious in person than they are on stage. Huddled in a corner of the dingy backroom of The Palace in Hastings, surrounded by punks loading in instruments and beer floating in buckets of half-melted ice, we had a deeply poignant and meaningful discussion.

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You’ve just come off stage at Wotsit Called Fest. You’re rock stars. How do you feel?

  • Royales: Well, I always said to my Mum – “Just you watch.” After seeing Queen I said, “Mum, I’m gonna be a rock star.” It don’t surprise me at all.
  • Bazz: We’ve reached the dizzy heights of Freddy Mercury here, playing Wotsit Called Festival. Next we’re getting a plane to LA and playing twice in one day.
  • Shout Louder: You mean you don’t have a helicopter?
  • Royales: Not yet. The Crash Copter is out of action at the moment, it’s coming next week.

You’ve recently released a new album: 69 Peruvian Panpipe Classics. What inspired your song writing?

  • Bazz: Cannabis, professional wrestling and my Grandma.
  • Royales: We watched a documentary about 14th century French art and that’s where we got our inspiration.
  • Bazz: It is pretty deep, if you scratch beneath the surface. Below the thin veneer of intelligence.

Have you considered learning the pan pipes?

  • Chris: We were going to do it for the album, but we’re just too modest. If Bazz started playing the pan pipes at a gig he’d just steal the show. He’s prevented himself from playing the pan pipes for the good of The Crash Mats, I think.

Continue reading “The Crash Mats: Pies, Panpipes and the Dizzy Heights of Rockstardom [Interview]”

Gig Review: Wotsit Called Fest – Saturday (30/09/2017)

Part Two: The main day at Hastings’ premier DIY punk fest, featuring performances from The Restarts, Riggots, Pizzatramp, Millie Manders, The Fuckin’ Glorious, The Barracks, Natterers, The Crash Mats, The Dead Anyways and Cheap Dates.

Photo credit: Massive thanks to Sara-Louise Bowrey from Festival Flyer (Cheap Dates – Barracks) and Mark Richards (The Fuckin’ Glorious – The Restarts) for bringing this to life with their tremendous images.

Check out my review of Part One: Wotsit Called Fest – Friday for the full story!

After scoffing lunch on the beach I’m back at The Palace and ready to start another rollicking day of DIY fun.

Although Saturday’s gig doesn’t start until the respectable time of 3.30pm, bedraggled punks gradually stumble into the bar from 2pm onwards. The drink of choice this morning is the espresso martini: both the beginning and the end of the hangover.

It feels like The Palace has been designed specifically for Wotsit Called Fest. Toxic Wotsit’s logo, colour-scheme and matching cocktail (the Toxic Avenger – held responsible for many of Saturday’s haggard faces) are all a fierce nuclear-waste green, coincidentally the colour of The Palace’s tiny back-room. The sound is reasonably good, but otherwise the room is rough, ready and clearly not designed for bands; the walls are adorned with giant mirrors and oil painting of dignitaries riding horses. It all adds to the DIY punk feel.

Cheap Dates at Wotsite Called Fest 2017

Local skiffle-punks Cheap Dates are a fitting opening act: coaxing us gently back into the land of the living with some varied covers. They’re a quartet with a mandolin, washboard and an acoustic guitar, plus a bass constructed from a bit of rope tied to a plastic crate. They all sing, and occasional cameos from a kazoo and a melodica add to the fun. By far the highlight of their set is a version of All Saints’ Never Ever – now that’s what I call a cover.

The Dead Anyways at Wostsit Called Fest 2017

Up next is The Dead Anyways, who provide smiling, self-deprecating punk in a typically British style. They’re one of my favourite bands of the day; they may not be the liveliest or most hardcore act to take the stage, but they have an instant melodic appeal that aligns perfectly with my taste. Combining earnest songwriting, foot-tapping rhythms and a gritty vocal, they’ll appeal to fans of Southport, Spoilers and Bear Trade. They plod between songs with understated humour and an affable stage-presence, aided by the appearance of the guitarist’s two young daughters. The kids give us a giggle and a photo opportunity, both leaning head-in-hands at the side of the stage, evidently dissatisfied by the lack of Peppa Pig covers. They’re the only two disappointed customers in the room.

The Crash Mats at Wotsit Called fest 2017

Following The Dead Anyways is the band most likely to cover the Peppa Pig theme tune: The Crash Mats. They don’t, but instead they throw in a delightful version of the Chucklevision theme that makes me grin like a lunatic. The grizzly three-piece play cracking sausage rock ‘n’ roll straight out of Oldham, with short, snappy ska segments. Their songs cover a variety of profound topics, including wrestling, meat pies and Neighbours, mainly taken from their new album 69 Peruvian Panpipe Classics. My favourite tune is Soppy Love Song, which works even better live than on the album: beginning with slow parody ballad before all hell breaks loose at the end. Continue reading “Gig Review: Wotsit Called Fest – Saturday (30/09/2017)”

Album Review: The Crash Mats – 69 Peruvian Panpipe Classics

The Oldham trio have just released 28 minutes of irreverent ska/punk ‘n’ roll nonsense that captures all the energy and hilarity of their live shows. FFO: Snuff, Teenage Bottlerocket and having a good time.

This weekend super-fun ska punks The Crash Mats released their second album 69 Peruvian Panpipe Classics. It’s 28 minutes of solid comedy gold, out on Horn & Hoof records now. Spoiler alert: there’s not a panpipe in sight.

The trio from Oldham have been around since 2008, and yet ‘maturity’ is the last word you’d use to describe this record. Their songs are short, snappy punk ditties and that can’t fail to plaster a grin on your face, covering such thought-provoking topics as The North, getting high and how your parents may react to finding a dead babysitter. If you’ve had the joy of catching The Crash Mats live before, you’ll know they’re unbelievably fast and fun. Before I saw them I’d never had the opportuntity to skank along to the Chucklevision theme tune and I am eternally grateful to them for that. 69 Peruvian Panpipe Classics take all of that energy and delivers it staight to your living room.

The Crash Mats 69 Peruvian Pan Pipe Classics

The album opens with an invitation to join them on a Hot Air Balloon Ride (“Would you like a ride in my hot air balloon?”), rolling through to Drive Me to Drink (“You drive me to drink, you drive me to drink.”) and heavier Oldham’s National Anthem (“Meat pie, chips and gravy!”). The Crash Mats are by no means lyrical genuises, but they sure do get their point across. It’s fun on record, but the drunken-singalong potential live is second-to-none. Continue reading “Album Review: The Crash Mats – 69 Peruvian Panpipe Classics”