Article by Sarah Williams. Disclaimer: SATIRE. Total satire.
Valentine’s Day. A time of roses, romance and rampant consumerism. It’s also time to make tender, passionate love to your sweetheart, or at least to bang whichever crusty reprobate you stumbled into at the grindcore show last night.
We here at Shout Louder believe that you can (and should) incorporate punk rock into every element of your life, so why not let it be the soundtrack to your sexy time? We have trawled through thousands of punk rock songs to bring you this carefully curated list of bedroom bangers.
We have tried to ensure there’s something here for everyone: from the light-hearted bonkers, to the hardcore heavy-weights, even covering couples who just can’t stop arguing. Don’t worry if Cupid hasn’t sought you with his arrow this year. I am sure these tunes will make an equally suitable soundtrack to your tearful, lonely masturbation, if you’re willing to pause the James Blunt.
In the interest of honesty, I have not personally road-tested (duvet-tested?) these tunes. I have had some memorable experiences to the likes of Pendulum, Papa Roach and Tenacious D over the years, but I’m not normally one to put on my mate’s DIY band while I’m tearing my clothes off. Please do give these a try and give us a blow-by-blow account of your experiences in the comments section.
The Offspring – Self Esteem
“Aaah, it’s time to relax, and you know what that means. A glass of wine, your favourite easy chair and, of course, this compact disc playing on your home stereo. So go on, indulge yourself…”
The Offspring’s aptly titled classic album Smash offers a plethora of punk songs for sending your partner into knee-trembling oblivion. Bad Habit and Killboy Powerhead would both provide a powerful and moving experience, or perhaps you’d rather invite them to Come Out And Play?
Your best bet is Self Esteem, which offers a bleak reminder that you’re being used, that you’re worthless and your partner is probably fucking all your friends. It’s okay because you like the abuse.
So, if you’ve spent Valentine’s Day staring at your phone, waiting for your someone to text you back, only for them to turn up on your doorstep late at night, drunk again and looking to score, this is the song for you. You don’t need to stick up for yourself. Embrace it. Stare deeply into your lover’s eyes, hovering just inches from their face and gently stroke their hair with the dangerous intensity of a would-be stalker. Remember, the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?
Almeida – Kinslayer
Have you ever wondered what it would like to be a drum kit in a hardcore band? Well, this is your opportunity. Keep pace with this track and you’ll get a blast beating straight through the headboard.
If you like your nights to be loud, fast and hard with some intensely technical finger-action, Almeida are the band for you. You’ll be howling like Tom West’s soaring choruses in no time. As evidenced in this video, they’ll even come hang out in your bedroom if you ask nicely enough.
For the record, I independently consulted eight punk rock fans while writing this article, and every single one suggested that Almeida would be their go-to bonking background choice (apparently due to the banging ability of drummer, Marc Morey). So, there you go, put that on the album cover guys: 8 out of 8 punks would use this as a sex soundtrack.
The Crash Mats – Hot Air Balloon
Perhaps you prefer to keep things light, bouncy and jovial in the bedroom? What could be better than a romantic ride in a Hot Air Balloon? Or perhaps it’s time to take a step back and realise that their innocent ‘hot air balloon’ is clearly a euphemism for something much more sordid.
Either way, this perky little number is perfect for a sickly sweet, passionate roll in the hay, full of eye-contact and giggling. Get your partner to take you for a ride, way up in the sky. It’s lots of fun and there’s room for two.
The whole of The Crash Mat’s album 69 Peruvian Panpipe Classics would make exceptional fuck-fodder. Watchmen has sensual saxophone running throughout. Soppy Love Song begins with a slow, sultry section that builds into a frantic thrasher of an climax. It’s essential to keep some variety in your love-making repertoire this album has it all. Play your lover like a panpipe today!
ALL – She’s My Ex
This is the ultimate choice for anyone who’s recently been through a break up. If you’re having a hard time getting over someone (aren’t we all?) then this is one for you.
Don’t fret. Approach the first bitter, lonely soul that makes fleeting eye contact with you across the bar at the rock gig. Compliment them on their Milo patch. Notice how they wear their hair the same way that your ex did. Offer to buy them a drink, then woo them with your encylopaedic knowledge of 1980s punk rock albums. Tell them about the times you saw ALL and Descendents with your ex, tell them what your ex wore, what they said and what good times you had. Tell them that your ex meant everything to you.
Invite them home, slot Allroy’s Revenge into your CD player and skip to track 9 just as the action starts to heat up. Remember to set up a photograph of your ex on the bedside for some nostalgic inspiration. Turning your lover to face away from you will help with the fantasy, and your bitter tears of loss will make a splendid lubricant. Pummel away, and know that you’ll never love again. You’ll never feel this way again. You’re better off this way. Don’t forget to scream your ex’s name as you climax, for the ultimate indulgence.
N.B.: This works equally well as a solo-soundtrack; just hit play while you weep into your cold Pot Noodle and beat off to horrifying fantasties of your ex at the centre of a Bacchanalian orgy.
Pizzatramp – Hope You Fucking Die
Pizzatramp have an exceptional plethora of options to suit a diverse range of love-making scenarios. My Back’s Fucking Fucked, Blowing Chunks and Photo Wanker each provide disturbingly specific musical solutions for a variety of occasions. There’s a reason they call Dan ‘bangertronic’.
Our top selection comes tailor-made for the angriest of post-argument make up sex: Hope You Fucking Die. Clocking in at thirty seconds, this an achievable tune for even the most excitable of lovers. The original lyrics are ideal for screaming at your lover as you furiously grind on one another however, as Pizzatramp usually do in their live shows, you can also vary the chorus with a number of alternatives. These are our top suggestions:
- I’m glad you didn’t die
- Please don’t come in my eye
- Stick it up my bum
- I hope you fucking come
- Did I make you come?
We hope you’ve enjoyed our assortment of aural sex selections. Have some inventive suggestions of your own? Let us know in the comments section below!
Article by Sarah Williams.